Lies, lies and more lies. When will they all end?

     Everybody seems to be telling lies these days, except the Pope, some monks and the most virtuous group of people in the world: newborn babies.

     The way things are going in politics, I wouldn't be surprised to see this newspaper headline: "Two-year investigation tracks down a politician who never lied."

     But I don't want to single out politicians, not when everyone else is lying. My dentist lied to me when he said, "This won't hurt." My doctor lied to me when she said, "I'll be with you in a minute." My mechanic lied to me when he said, "It won't cost much."

     My lawyer lied to me when he said, "Call me anytime." He should have said, "Call me anytime, unless you're broke."

     Even some religious people lie to us. Just because we believe in God, they think we'll believe anything.

     A church leader in Texas recently told his followers that God would appear on a television station to announce his imminent arrival on Earth. But God didn't show up. He didn't even call or anything. He was too busy watching one of the last episodes of "Seinfeld." (OK, that's a lie.)

     If God ever appears on TV, He'd be interviewed by only one person, a man who's always preaching and trying to save lost souls: Jerry Springer. No, I'm kidding. It would have to be the Rev. Billy Graham. No one else has the clout to book God. Not even Barbara Walters. Though hers would be a riveting interview, forcing the Amish to rush out and buy TVs.

     Barbara: "I've heard and read so much about you, God. Are you concerned that you're losing your privacy?"

     God: "Yes, Barbara, that's why I've decided to announce a new law: No journalists in Heaven. It's a good thing, Barbara, you're not a journalist."

     Barbara: "Thank God for that. I mean, thank you. Speaking of which, are you pleased that many athletes, including boxers, thank you after winning their contests?"

     God: "Yes, Barbara, I am. But they'll have to do a lot more than that to keep out of Hell. And to give them a little more guidance, I'm thinking of issuing a new commandment: Thou shalt not choke thine coach."

     Of course, God never lies, and even if He did, you won't catch me questioning Him. I'm in enough trouble with Him.

     But probably not as much trouble as some of the people involved in the Clinton scandals. Several of them need to have lie detectors glued to their butts.

     Kathleen Willey, the president's latest accuser, sounded so credible on "60 Minutes." She described how the president had touched her breasts and placed her hand on a part of his anatomy that has apparently been getting far too much fresh air.

     But within days, we heard that Willey had continued visiting the president and writing him friendly letters, as though the only thing he had ever shown her was a good time.

     A few of her letters were signed: "Fondly yours, Kathleen." And Clinton's letters to her were signed: "Fondled you, Bill."

     (OK, that's a lie. But you knew that, didn't you?)