Perhaps it's just my imagination, but it seems like award shows on television have multiplied in recent years, even faster than presidential scandals.

     Almost every other day, you can flip through the channels and find one of these shows: Academy Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Golden Goose Awards, People's Choice Awards, Animal's Choice Awards, Screen Actors Guild Awards, Bald Actors Guild Awards, Actors-Who've-Never-Had-Affairs Awards.

     Pretty soon, we're going to need an award show for award shows. "And the nominees for best host in an award show are: Billy Crystal for the Academy Awards, Whoopi Goldberg for the Thespian Awards and Ellen DeGeneres for the Lesbian Awards."

     Unless someone does something about this trend, we will end up with an entertainment industry that's full of people with big heads. And we'll all have to buy wide-screen TVs.

     Not only do we worship entertainers, we act like they're more important than farmers, teachers, scientists and other people who aren't skilled at singing, acting or fooling around.

     We're willing to sit in front of our TVs for three hours, watching our idols glorified for doing their jobs well, as though they need any more appreciation. They should be satisfied that they make more money than our nation's leaders, who never get a break from acting.

     Perhaps I'm just jealous. Perhaps I'd like to be the one receiving an award on national TV. Perhaps I'd like to be a soap opera actor saying, "First, I want to thank God for giving me the talent to act in steamy love scenes. I'd also like to thank my lovely co-star for acting in those scenes with me, because I couldn't have done it alone."

     Don't get me wrong. Award shows do have some merit. Most of them, especially the top-rated ones, allow us to view and admire some of the country's finest commercials.

     This year's Academy Awards also allowed us to see some of the best acting in Hollywood, such as Peter Fonda's smile after he realized that someone else won the Oscar.

     Every nominee who doesn't win must have an inner voice that says, "The camera is on you. Millions of people are watching. Smile and clap. Smile and clap. Save the tears for later."

     Since we have Emmy Awards and Espy Awards, perhaps we should consider Envy Awards.

     The nominees would include every prominent entertainer who has never won a prestigious award. You have to feel sorry for these people. They've made lots of money and signed lots of autographs, but they have no shot at immortality. They'll never be like Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe and Mister Ed.

     Even worse, they never got a chance to thank "all the little people" on national TV. They had to buy Hallmark cards and lick a few stamps -- like ordinary folks.

     Fortunately, some of them may get a consolation prize: the lifetime achievement award. It's like a bronze medal in the Olympics: "You didn't come close to winning, but we'll let you stand on the platform anyway."