The other day, the actor who plays Kramer on the popular sitcom "Seinfeld" appeared on "Late Show with David Letterman." Letterman introduced him as "the very talented" Michael Richards, because after so many years in show business he has mastered the art of being a goof.

     Letterman describes almost every actor as "very talented." He recognizes that it takes talent to make it on television, unless you're married to Roseanne. Or your father's name is Aaron Spelling.

     Letterman has high standards -- he expects all his guests to be talented. If you can't act or sing, you'd better have another skill, such as using your toes to pick your nose.

     If you're a dairy farmer, you'll never be a guest on Letterman. Unless you've trained one of your cows to drive the tractor. Considering all the idiots on the road these days, your cow shouldn't have much trouble getting a license. The hard part for you would be affording insurance. You may think you're good at milking, but wait till you talk to those agents.

     Unlike actors and musicians, most farmers are not considered "talented," no matter how much milk they can squeeze out of a cow. You won't hear someone saying, "You should see Bob performing on his dairy farm. He's so gifted, he can milk in his sleep. I had to stand in line for his autograph."

     Farmers have to settle for a more mundane description: "hardworking." You can't be a farmer unless you're hardworking. Your cows will never learn to milk themselves. Not even if you send them to Harvard.

     Farmers aren't the only ones stuck with the "hardworking" label. Construction workers, factory workers, gardeners, mechanics -- they're all hardworking people. That's why they need showers when they get home.

     Such workers were largely responsible for the invention of deodorant.

     Professionals such as doctors, accountants and lawyers never really need showers. They just like to support the water industry. Water is one of the few products that's still made in America.

     Accountants and others who are good at numbers are considered "smart," especially if they can keep track of the number of times Larry King has said, "I do."

     The smartest people in the world today are the ones in the computer field. They work with terms like "software," "subdirectory," and more importantly, "stock options."

     They were smart enough to go to college and major in computers, while some of their classmates were majoring in beer.

     Their computer knowledge landed them jobs in big companies like Microsoft, where their main goal is to keep adding more features to computers, so the rest of us find it much easier to look like idiots.

     Truth is, even the computer people had to work hard to get where they are. Hard work is the key to almost anyone's success.

     Talent alone won't get you on Letterman, though it may get you on welfare.

     Hard work will put food on your table and ensure that you can afford lots of deodorant.