I used to be somewhat critical of the space program, wondering why we're spending billions of dollars on outer space when so many people on earth are starving.

     It's not like we're going to discover a planet where cheeseburgers are free.

     But the space program is beginning to pay major dividends.

     Perhaps the biggest gain came recently when astronauts aboard the space shuttle Columbia proved beyond a doubt that humans do, indeed, snore in space.

     "We didn't know that before," announced astronaut-physicist Dave Williams, who snored at such a high altitude, he disturbed the folks in heaven.

     Until now, researchers didn't know whether gravity is required for snoring. They were hoping to eradicate snoring by sending all snorers to another planet.

     But now that snoring is known to occur in outer space, astronauts will turn their attention to another important issue: figuring out who will be the first man to snore on the moon.

     The lucky man will be able to utter those magical words: "One small snore for man, one giant snore for mankind."

     Of course, the astronauts still have a lot more to discover about outer space, such as whether Seinfeld is funny in space, whether men go bald in space, and whether Ellen is gay in space.

     One of the most important missions is to find out whether the lack of gravity in outer space can help cure male impotence.

     A positive finding would benefit the space program, as well as travel agents. Many couples would book vacations to the moon.

     Men who can't afford a trip to the moon would at least have a good excuse. "It's not me, honey. It's gravity."

     Judging by the popularity of the new impotence drug, Viagra, many men have a problem in bed and they're all willing to spend money to give their sex lives a boost.

     Their wives were on the pill for many years, so why not them?

     Thanks to Viagra, I'm not so concerned about getting old. I just hope my future wife can keep up with me.

     What really concerns me is snoring, which can also affect a man's sex life, though not in the same way. It's tough to have sex with your wife when she's in the next room. No matter how much Viagra you swallow.

     I'd better stop mentioning sex in this column or I'm going to hear from the reader who wrote me two years ago to say that my columns are full of "smut." I think she mistook me for Larry Flynt. We kind of look alike, if you squint, except he's white and I'm brown.

     I try hard not to put "smut" in my columns, because I don't want to offend any readers, especially the reader who could easily make my life miserable: my mother.

     So let me stick to the problem of snoring, which our astronauts are researching. Snoring concerns me because I happen to be a loud snorer. I've received several complaints from China.

     At times, I wish I lived in the days of the cavemen. All the women would ask me to sleep in their caves.

     With me snoring beside them, they wouldn't need to light a fire to scare away the wild animals.