Lighter Side
In the beginning....

God created Heaven and Earth. Quickly, He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with a cease and desist order for earthly part.
At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project. God replid that he just liked to be creative. God said, "let there be light," and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and to conserve energy, would have the light half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "let the earth bring forth green herbs and such, and many seeds." The EPA agreed so long as native seeds were used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creatureshaving life, and the fowl that fly over the Earth." Officials required approval from the Department of Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation, and the Audobangelic Society. Then, God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that, there would be a public hearing. Then, there would be 10 to 12 months before he could begin.
At this point, God created Hell.


Kids Quotes

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

Lime is a green tasting rock.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothing. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

Wind is like the air, only heavier.


Actual Bumper Stickers

Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

Cover me, I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

Montana: At least our cows are sane.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry: Then things get worse.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.


POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID.

A FRIEND OF MINE, IN THE INTEREST OF KEEPING ME OUT OF TROUBLE, SENT ME THIS LIST OF 36 POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID.

A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
A few clowns short of a circus.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
An experiment in artificial stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his Corn Flakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of two, but it takes three to grunt.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slink's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.


EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING

Sentences taken from actual and true letters received by the local Welfare Department of Philadelphia in application for support.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born two years old, when do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay, I have six children. Can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

7. First find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

8. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

14. I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

15. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want my money as quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Q: Why did the very first chicken cross the road?
A: Because the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not cross the road, for in the day that thou crossest the road,
thou shalt surely fry!"

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It was the logical, ethical, and morally responsible thing to do.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To lay it on the line.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To be closer to the egg he had fathered with the chick across the street.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Who cares? What question do you have for me?


THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST WORDS POSSIBLE:

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my head through it.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary car going the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.


Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clotches. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:10-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses in Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz in Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the woman comes out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjamites in Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.(Adam in Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right, 14 years of toil for Mrs. Right. (Jacob in Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David in I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitly find someone. It's all relative, of course. (Cain in Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes in Esther 2:3-3)

11. Kill my husband and take HIS wife (prepare to lose 4 sons, though). (David in 2 Samuel 11)

12. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a woman..now get her for me as a wife." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson in Judges 14:1-3)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (Onan-Genesis 39:8)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon 1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...not!!! (Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:31-35)

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